Saturday, March 20, 2010

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Crumbs

   I am a visionary. I see that, I, will one day invent and mass produce a product that will have people all over the globe clamoring to buy it. It will rid our lives of the most evil, devious, heinous enemy that households have to encounter each and every day. It will solve the most widespread problem facing homes today...crumbs. My invention will be called "The Crumb Catcher". The concept behind this brilliancy is this, very much like its cousin "The Dream Catcher", you will hang "The Crumb Catcher" in an obviously conspicuous location, near the crumb action, and leave the rest up to modern technology. While you work, play, or sleep the catcher will magically vibrate magnetic ionic enticement sonar waves from the catcher and draw anything impish and mischievous such as hair wads, dust tumbleweeds as well as crumbs, into its waiting annihilation combustion chamber. $9.99, not including shipping and handling.

   I have a massive dislike towards things that I can walk past once and it is not there and I come back through two minutes later and there it is, it had to of floated down from the ceiling or rolled out from underneath the sofa or something. I discovered a dust ball in my kitchen corner today, that I swear had eyes! I've seen boa feathers from costumes that were packed away for years, come nonchalantly strolling down the hall like they had awakened from their sleep and were coming to get a snack from the kitchen. And don't even get me started on Easter grass!! Easter will have been over for 8 months and on any random day walk into the bathroom and get Easter grass stuck to your foot! How does this happen? Why does this drive me to OCD-ment? The crumbs...they wave at me from across the just swept room snidely singing, "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me"! "I'll kiss you alright (grumble grumble), how about this!", as I show them my "Crumb Catcher", oh's on! 

   I think I distinctly remember hair, crumbs, and dust to be part of the plagues that hit Egypt. They made the people so miserable that they begged Pharaoh to invent something to magically vibrate magnetic ionic enticement sonar waves from it into its waiting annihilation combustion chamber, but alas, he did not listen and sent the children of Israel out into the desert instead. So I'm using the idea. I think people will smile more often and break into song more spontaneously..."free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last". Crumbs shall no longer have dominion over you. Now I just need financial backers.

   Since the invention of the broom, mankind has made several attempts in achieving the ultimate heights of household cleaning apparatus that effortlessly do away with our everyday crusty crud, but they all are lacking in some way or another. You've seen the poor mop or duster on TV be replaced by the cloth on the pole, which does admittedly get the dust and hair but the crumbs lie obstinately on the floor, so you get the broom and the dustpan and the giblets of crumbs won't go over the hump of the pan and only shoot out the right side of the vacuum cleaner when suctioned. Well, arch enemy you have met your match...or at least you will meet your match, as soon as I get this invention off the ground and into the U.S. Patent office.

   I've not always been concerning this subject matter, just ask my mom or my husband of 35 years. No, I used to be, for the years of my childhood and early adulthood, more relaxed and laid back when it came to grit, grime, and goop. I wasn't a slob or anything like that, just not so concerned with the whereabouts of potential hair roundups and herds of dust collecting, as I am today. When I sold my studio and became a housewife (which I didn't realize that I was one until I signed my income tax that year and it said 'housewife' by my name) I wanted to be the best one I could be...and somehow crumbs turned into my nemesis. That's the long and short of it. Basically.

    I've imagined hiding under my console table until the wee hours of the morning and quietly watch the amazing unfolding of the massive hair and dust clump formations that I find in my floors when I wake up in the morning. I find wonderment in how they find each other in the dark and join together in a swirling twirling dance and fall out from exhaustion in odd places. I have another idea if "The Crumb Catcher" does not pan out...I'll make a documentary film called the "Creation of the Dustball...Where Hair and Dust Unite". $9.99, not including shipping and handling.

1 comment:

  1. Haha, I want you to know that whenever I see a "dust bunny" I always think of you. I remember you telling us one time how much you despise "dust bunnies" in your house or anywhere for that matter.Great post! Let me know when I can buy that product:) Love ya!


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