Friday, March 26, 2010

Here Come Da Pudge

   It is so SAD, but it is so true. There are two acronyms for SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder (which 5-HTP works wonders on) but, I'm referring to SAD: the Standard American Diet...uh oh...I'm about to touch the fabric of your lives.
   Do you suffer from "Muffin-top Syndrome" or "Back Bra Blob" or do you have that "10 lbs.-of-sugar-in-a-5 lb.-bag-look"? Well then my friend, meet SAD. In the un-real world you could just Photo Shop it all away but in the real's mean...real mean.

   You can be large or small, SAD is not a respecter of persons. It's fake to whomever wishes to befriend it. It can turn into one of those BFF situations where you love it, but it hates you, but you don't realize that it really does hate you because you love it so much, and you are blind to its hate (because you know the saying) but the results of the friendship are over the top...over the top of your jeans...over the top of your bra...over the top of your strapless dress. Da Pudge.

    Da Pudge is not all that remains after a tryst with SAD, puffiness, swollen joints, water retention, brain fog, as well as an aversion to making wholesome choices. No...SAD will not just leave you alone after you have given yourself to it, it gets inside your very being and you CRAVE it, everything about it, the more you want, the more you will want. Then you will make arrangements several times in a day to meet with it and then the secretiveness of these meetings will soon have you hiding the evidence.

    I have had my share of affairs with SAD, yes, I'll admit it. Baking a pan of brownies only to nibble them down to 1/2 a pan and because of the shame eat the other 1/2 so my other lover (my husband) would not find out. I've even invited SAD to my very own dinner table and served it to my family under the cloak of  a "quick and easy meal" or "prepackaged microwaved". I am a confessed "carboholic" always in recovery and the guilt of trying to make my family players in this charade is more than I can deal with, except when there's chocolate cake or bread.

    What is this want to know...what could possibly affect your quality decision making to that degree? The Standard American Diet, we will so properly call it, is high in animal fats and saturated and or hydrogenated fats, low in fiber, high in processed foods, low in complex carbs and low in plant-based foods. Are you as repulsed as I am at this very moment? No? Then it has you in its grip or you just lost interest in the list because you don't get what it all means but basically it's this: bad fat/white flour/white sugar/white anything/refined anything/added chemicals/bleach to make it white/ come da pudge.

   When I had my studio my husband and I made a 10 foot Nutcracker for an upcoming Christmas parade and program I was going to do. That thing was still around after 7 years of me using it as well as other people using it and hauling it from Birmingham and to other cities, I don't know if it's still around or not but I sold it with my studio. It was made from chicken wire, newspaper, paint, and white flour/water to make the paste.
The white flour and liquid formula is the same thing inside your plumbing, can you imagine the caking and clogging in your pipes? The sludge that causes the pudge!

   Have you noticed even thin young girls with puffalump bellies hanging over their low rises? Fast food living gets fast results, fast. Back fat? Somebody eats too much pork's the truth, look it up. Keep getting colds or can't shake the infections? Your immune system is out of whack due to nutrient deficiencies. But we are so in love with our rolled-in-dough-french-fried-sprinkled-sugar-chunks-dipped-in-bacon-grease-and-soda-nibbles that we've forgotten the true and faithful BFF that waits on us to turn to it when we are tired of being abused by SAD.

   It's not a user and won't leave you licking the ice cream carton in's a true lover of your heart and all of your other parts. It will not bring you guilt or shame or make you want to wear a moo-moo. It's RDA...the Recommended Daily Allowance diet. It brings the language of fruits and veggies, grilled protein, and whole grains back into your vocabulary. You might even want to date an exercise or two after that!

   Old loves die hard and this one will leave you looking like lard, so when SAD tries to seduce you and whispers come hither words into your stomach, be strong, be wise, and repeat these words into your fist and into its fat face..."Give us this day our R-D-A"!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Crumbs

   I am a visionary. I see that, I, will one day invent and mass produce a product that will have people all over the globe clamoring to buy it. It will rid our lives of the most evil, devious, heinous enemy that households have to encounter each and every day. It will solve the most widespread problem facing homes today...crumbs. My invention will be called "The Crumb Catcher". The concept behind this brilliancy is this, very much like its cousin "The Dream Catcher", you will hang "The Crumb Catcher" in an obviously conspicuous location, near the crumb action, and leave the rest up to modern technology. While you work, play, or sleep the catcher will magically vibrate magnetic ionic enticement sonar waves from the catcher and draw anything impish and mischievous such as hair wads, dust tumbleweeds as well as crumbs, into its waiting annihilation combustion chamber. $9.99, not including shipping and handling.

   I have a massive dislike towards things that I can walk past once and it is not there and I come back through two minutes later and there it is, it had to of floated down from the ceiling or rolled out from underneath the sofa or something. I discovered a dust ball in my kitchen corner today, that I swear had eyes! I've seen boa feathers from costumes that were packed away for years, come nonchalantly strolling down the hall like they had awakened from their sleep and were coming to get a snack from the kitchen. And don't even get me started on Easter grass!! Easter will have been over for 8 months and on any random day walk into the bathroom and get Easter grass stuck to your foot! How does this happen? Why does this drive me to OCD-ment? The crumbs...they wave at me from across the just swept room snidely singing, "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me"! "I'll kiss you alright (grumble grumble), how about this!", as I show them my "Crumb Catcher", oh's on! 

   I think I distinctly remember hair, crumbs, and dust to be part of the plagues that hit Egypt. They made the people so miserable that they begged Pharaoh to invent something to magically vibrate magnetic ionic enticement sonar waves from it into its waiting annihilation combustion chamber, but alas, he did not listen and sent the children of Israel out into the desert instead. So I'm using the idea. I think people will smile more often and break into song more spontaneously..."free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last". Crumbs shall no longer have dominion over you. Now I just need financial backers.

   Since the invention of the broom, mankind has made several attempts in achieving the ultimate heights of household cleaning apparatus that effortlessly do away with our everyday crusty crud, but they all are lacking in some way or another. You've seen the poor mop or duster on TV be replaced by the cloth on the pole, which does admittedly get the dust and hair but the crumbs lie obstinately on the floor, so you get the broom and the dustpan and the giblets of crumbs won't go over the hump of the pan and only shoot out the right side of the vacuum cleaner when suctioned. Well, arch enemy you have met your match...or at least you will meet your match, as soon as I get this invention off the ground and into the U.S. Patent office.

   I've not always been concerning this subject matter, just ask my mom or my husband of 35 years. No, I used to be, for the years of my childhood and early adulthood, more relaxed and laid back when it came to grit, grime, and goop. I wasn't a slob or anything like that, just not so concerned with the whereabouts of potential hair roundups and herds of dust collecting, as I am today. When I sold my studio and became a housewife (which I didn't realize that I was one until I signed my income tax that year and it said 'housewife' by my name) I wanted to be the best one I could be...and somehow crumbs turned into my nemesis. That's the long and short of it. Basically.

    I've imagined hiding under my console table until the wee hours of the morning and quietly watch the amazing unfolding of the massive hair and dust clump formations that I find in my floors when I wake up in the morning. I find wonderment in how they find each other in the dark and join together in a swirling twirling dance and fall out from exhaustion in odd places. I have another idea if "The Crumb Catcher" does not pan out...I'll make a documentary film called the "Creation of the Dustball...Where Hair and Dust Unite". $9.99, not including shipping and handling.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Burning The Midnight Oil

   With us living in a "green" world, burning anything at midnight is an environmental no-no. In the last several years eco-activists have tried to enlighten us on the perils of doing anything useless or harmful to the earth and its atmosphere. So, oil wastage would get you a good ole' sit-in or protest from the moonbats...all 8 of them.  But, corporations and industries are now also joining forces with what used to be a hippie thing, they're really moving to the extreme left with this one.

   Words like 'renewable', 'sustainable', and 'earth-friendly' are the buzz words for the 21st century. Green house effect, global warming, and unrenewable resources have us all feeling a little desperate to be more responsible keepers of the earth. So much to the point we go wayyyy overboard. I call it "The Teeter-Totter Effect" (more on that on another blog).

    We hear, "Save the whales", "Save the fur", "Save the birds, save the bees, save the flowers, save the trees"! Speaking of trees...have you watched the video on You-Tube of the people crying and apologizing to the trees for our misuse of them? One person even screamed out in mourning because of the trees deaths. This is my O...but I thought God made the trees so we (the people) could use their resources for our benefit. I might need to whisper that or I might get sued by the attorney that just filed a 3.9 million dollar lawsuit against Chrysler for using animal names to name their vehicles. He thinks that if the car does not deliver what it implies that it should by using the animals name, like a majestic ram, that it would ruin the reputation of the ram. The money, if awarded, 40% would go the the lawyers and the rest to a foundation where animals could be left alone. How much does leaving an animal alone cost these days?

   God made the earth in a way that it would supply for us (the people) all the things He knew we would need in order to invent things to help us live more productive lives. Wood, paper, leather, gasoline, coffee, wheat, cocoa, all of these things are for our usage. Again...I might need to whisper this. I don't ever want to live crosswise with my fellowman but I'm afraid I might be an environmental hypocrite. I USE things.

   Natural resources is another 'green' word being used a lot today. Natural resources must be carefully managed to avoid over-usage so the world can replenish them at the rate they are being used, if not faster. The world's greatest natural resource is PEOPLE. Now, we need to decide if people are a renewable or unrenewable resource. It is true... over here, over there, people, people everywhere. So you might say that they are renewable, because of the birth rate, people are being born into the earth every second. But, just as fast as they are being birthed, they are also dying. So that brings us to the unrenewable aspect of people.

   Even though there are people everywhere, they are given one spirit at conception that is uniquely their own. There will not be another one like it, ever, that will be planted into a human body. When that person dies their earthsuit stays but their spirit leaves, never to be here again. So we can say that THAT person is unrenewable. Each are individual, each are valuable, each are divinely made with a purpose. Did you realize even with cloning, God would be obligated to place a spirit into that person even if they were made in a test tube?

   Now that we have established people to be unrenewable, what are some other things that we don't get back? Time...sleep...anything else? Well, to me time or sleep does not even matter in comparison to the wasting of people. My whole life should be for people, since they are everywhere, yet, in my past, people have been the least of my concern. I have fought for things, more than the people that the things were given for. I have stood up for what was right and ran over the people the rights were for. I don't want to be a humanity hypocrite! I don't want to be accused of wasting people. I don't get them back.

   The saying 'burning the midnight oil' implies that you were up wasting sleep accomplishing something that you could have done during daylight hours but now you're burning your resource of oil to finish. Like the foolish virgins in Matthew 25. They wasted their oil so when the bridegroom showed up they got left out. The song from the movie "Funny Girl", "People" states that 'people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world'. In other words, people who love people, and give of themselves, and don't waste people, are the most blessed people you'll ever encounter.

   So when you're asked by the environmentally-aware to buy a certain type of light bulb, or low VOC paint, or take only pictures and leave only footprints...and compost your garbage, and recycle your plastic and paper, and walk or bike instead of fly your jet, or hug your tree, or wear fake fur, or eat only vegetables... go ahead and do what convicts you. But, I say to you with great passion and zeal..."one chance...don't waste them".

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Hit Me With Your Pet Shark

   We have all at one time or another fallen prey to misheard lyrics. You know, when you hear a song and you sing the words wrong...for a very long time, sometimes for years.

 My daughter was shocked when she found out that Huey Lewis did not 'want a new truck' but 'a new drug'. And a friend of mine thought surely Billy Idol could not be singing "eyes-without-a-face" she sang, "how's-about-a-date".

  My father-in-law and I were riding down the road and "Rock The Boat" was on the radio, he looked at me and said in a totally confused tone, "I'd liked to know where you got the nose job?" I busted out laughing, he of course didn't know that it was 'notion' not 'nose job'.

  I'm sure at this point you are remembering the lyrics that you've heard sung wrong. How about...'baking carrot biscuits' instead of 'taking care of business' or 'hock the cat box' in place of 'rock the casbah'. I don't know why we sing them that way when we know it cannot possibly be the words we are singing, but we do. We don't care, we just want to sing.

   Especially now with access to the internet like we have, we can look up any lyrics to any song, even then, I've seen them misprinted. Whoever it was typing the words didn't take the time to investigate the correct information. But you know...that's how it goes when I repeat something that I am not sure of. I get what I thought I heard and then I sing it...wrong, usually. 

   Singing stuff...saying stuff it's still the same, I'm opening my mouth and letting words out that a lot of times are misinformed words. I don't care, I just want to sing. I've been embarrassed more than once to find out that I sang some information incorrectly.
   Words are pretty powerful intangible things. For them to be so invisible, they can really cause a huge effect. Explosive anger on one side and hysterical laughter on another. They can be gut wrenching and sobering, giddy and gleeful. They can cause disappointment and exhilaration, they can wound and they can heal.

   How can words have such a powerful potency? I guess it's because we humans are the only ones that use them. Plants and animals do not. It is our primary form of communication, so it is important how we use those invisible, power-packed, poignant words. I sure know that sticks and stones hurt and so do misused words.

   I don't know who sang the first song, maybe Cain and Abel had the first rock band. If so, this is probably where all of the tension started between them. You know, one was the musician and the other was the lyricist. Abel, the musician, kept singing the lyrics wrong, till one day Cain, the lyricist, couldn't take it any longer and he sat down and wrote his big hit, "Am I My Brother's Keeper?" and the rest is history.

    Careless words have caused chaos. Loose lips have sunk ships. Let it not be so with life's very important songs that I'm supposed to sing to encourage and inspire others around me in hearing range. the 80's group Til Tuesday sang...'oh-so-scary', I'm sorry, I mean, 'voi-ces-carry', they do, and people are listening and ready to tell other people what you said...funny or not.

   So come on...guess how misunderstood the title of this blog is...look at it...come are right...'hit me with your best shot'!! Fire a-way!
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